Because MXTW is a teaching program, each year some pieces are more derivative than others of the models embodying the styles our student authors have studied in preparing their scripts. In some scripts, there are even borrowed lines.
Naturally, MXTW's copyright claim does not extend to those elements of these scripts.
That said, you are free to use these in performance ON THREE CONDITIONS:
* You acknowledge the influences, the workshop authors, and the MXTW copyright
* You provide a citation to mxtw.org
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If at all possible, we would like to attend your performance or to see a recording.
Je M'appelle Cockette
Written & performed by Sophie Exdell, Chetan Michie, Elaine Tucker, & Meredith Uthoff
directed by Jim and Blake
under the influence of Lee Breuer and Mabou Mines
1.
HELLO. I'M ALLERGIC TO BROCCOLI. PERHAPS YOU'VE NOTICED I'M ALSO DRUNK. WHICH YOU CAN TELL FROM MY HICCUPS. *HICCUP.* AND THE VERY LARGE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY UNDER MY WING. LET ME INTRODUCE ME. MYSELF. TWO THINGS. I'M A HEN. I'M IN MY OLDER MID LIFE. I'M NOT OLD. I KNOW OLD. I'M NOT OLD. NOT OLD MIND YOU. I'M IN MY OLDER MID LIFE. IN CHICKEN YEARS. I HAVE A SINGLE TEAR RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. I JUT MY HEAD OUT WITH EVERY STEP. EMBARRASSING PLACES TO HAVE FEATHERS. NOSTRILS. FEET. WINGPITS. I HAVE FIVE TOES. FULL MOON BRINGS DREAMS OF BISEXUAL. BROADWAY. I WAS ABDUCTED AS AN EGG. I HAVE A SECRET SCANDAL. GUESS WHAT IT IS. IT IS NOT MY NAME.
MY NAME IS. JE M'APPELLE. COCKETTE. MAKES YOU WONDER, DOESN'T IT?
2.
MY SPACE. CRAMPED BUT MOVEABLE. MY WORLD. AT THE VERY LEAST. BLACK AND WHITE. MY DILAPIDATED COTTAGE MADE OUT OF MY STONY SHARP DARK EDGES. A CHICKEN'S FORTRESS. WHAT ONE MIGHT CALL. MY HEART.
IT'S LATE. WHISKEY AND EGGS NOT UNEXPECTED. EVERYTHING SEEMS DUSTY. YOU CAN SEE IT CAN'T YOU. THE SPACE. BRIGHTLY COLORED THRONES DOMINATE THE AREA. THE THRONES ARE UNEXPECTED. ONLY ONE GENDER IN THIS HOUSE.
HOW DO I LAY EGGS? SALT AND PEPPER COLORED GOLDEN EGGS. I LAY MY EGGS WHEN SILENT. ALWAYS.
SILENCE.
I DON'T LAY EGGS.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED. I AM PRONE TO CONTRADICTION.
3.
EGGS. PLURAL. CERTAIN NUMBERS OF EGGS. TO BE DELIVERED. TO THE OLD WOMAN. THINK OF IT AS RENT. EGGS. A PLACE TO LAY MY. WELL. TO PERCH. AT LEAST. EGGS. AND HOME. NO EGGS. NO HOME. THE CRUX, SO TO SPEAK, OF THE MATTER. YOU SEE THE POINT. THERE. AT THE CRUX?
I DON'T, AS I SAID, ACTUALLY, IN POINT OF FACT, THE CRUX OF THE MATTER, REALLY, LAY EGGS.
I DON'T GET THEM WHOLESALE EITHER. I AM A LOVER. I HAVE A VERY GOOD BEAK. WHAT, AFTER ALL, IS A HEN TO DO? I LOVER. I LOVE HER. I LOVE THEM. GIRLS. GIRLS. GIRLS.
HENS I HAVE LOVED. WELL. THERE WAS. GERTRUDE. PENNY. ISABELLE. PRICILLA. FRANNY. GEORGETTE. SOPHETTE. MEREDETTE. CHETANETTE. ELAINA. LUSCIOUS LATIN CHICKEN LITTLE. HENRIETTA. NOW THERE WAS A CLASS ACT. CREAMY LEG BAR. PURE BRED. FIRM AND MUSCULAR WITH AN ALERT AND PERKY CARRIAGE. PROMINENT BREAST WITH STRAIGHT KEEL. FIND HEAD. STRONG. LEAN. ROUND. SHANKS. WELL DEVELOPED EARLOBES. WELL FEATHERED NECK. DARK. GRAY. TIPPED WITH CREAM. CREAM. CREAM. CREAM.
IT IS VITAL TO MAKE SURE ALL THE GIRLS ARE PRODUCING EGGS CONSISTANTLY. AND TIME IS MY ALLY. THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK OF FEMALE CHICKENS IS ON MY SIDE. THERE ARE EGGS. AND THE RENT GETS PAID. OR DID. MY EGGS. MY RENT. MY EGG RENTING WRENCHING LOVERS HAVE YET TO CONTACT. TIME ONCE AGAIN. WHY HASN’T SHE. SHE. SHE. SHE AND HER AND HER AND HER AND HER CONTACTED. I HAVE BEEN A TERRIFIC LOVER. BUT NOW THEY KNOW. ABOUT EACH OTHER. COMMON JEALOUSY, I TELL YOU. TERRIFICALLY DISAPOINTING, I TELL YOU. NEVER COUNT YOUR EGGS BEFORE YOUR CHICKENS.
DISASTER, I TELL YOU.
BRUTAL DISCOVERY OF MY TREACHERY. SYSTEM FAILURE AT 100 PERCENT. AND SEXUAL REALIZATION HIGHER. RUNNING FROM AN EGG THROWING BUNCH OF TICKED OFF TITTERING HENS. COME ON BABIES YOU KNOW I LUV YOUS.
REFUGE AT LAST. NOW TIME TO PONDER SITUATION.
PONDERING TURNING TO DRINKING. NOT THINKING. DREAD-HAVING. THE CLOCK IS NO LONGER AN ALLY. TIME GROWS SHORTER IN MY REFUGE. NOT A FRIEND TO CRY ON. DAMN THE CAT. SHE NEVER UNDERSTOOD. THAT WAS HER JOB. TO UNDERSTAND. TO PSYCHOANALYZE. TO PRESCRIBE. DRUGS. SLEEP. ANYTHING. BUT SHE PRESCRIBED HERSELF. IMAGINE THAT. A HEND AND A CAT. ARROGANT. SELF-INVOLVED CAT BASTARD. MAKE NO MISTAKE. SHE WAS A FINE. FELINE.
I’LL MISS THE ASS, BUT NEVER ANOTHER. THE BOTTLE IS AND ALWAYS WAS MY FRIEND. MY LOVER. MY CHAMPION. NEED A CHAMPION NOW WHO SMILES BACK. BUT SO AFRAID. AS THOUGH I’D NEVER MADE LOVE BEFORE.
AND I’VE NEVER. JUST PECKED.
4. THE CALCULUS OF BEING CONSTIPATED.
I EXPLAIN. TO BEGIN WITH. PONDERING DISASTERS.
TO BEGIN WITH. ZERO EGGS EQUALS ZERO MONEY EQUALS ZERO HOUSE. PISSED OFF HENS EQUALS ZERO LOVIN' EQUALS ZERO EGGS EQUALS ZERO HOUSE. I'M SCREWED. LAXATIVE AND CONSTIPATION KITS FILL MY SHELVES. I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN A BROWN BALL TO FLY OUT OF MY ASS. NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS. NOTHING MORE.
I WANT WHAT TO COME OUT OF WHERE?
THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE. NOW I'M SOBER.
5.
I SOBER UP. THIS IS URGENT. I WRITE A LETTER. FIRSTLY. URGENT. I AM WRITING TO REQUEST ANY MATERIALS YOU MIGHT CARRY ON THE SUBJECT OF FRIEND-MAKING. ANYTHING AT ALL WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. FRIEND-MAKING FOR DUMMIES. THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO MAKING FRIENDS. I REPEAT. URGENT. I AM A HEN WHO IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF FRIENDS.
AS FOR LENGTH. IT IS NOT NECESSARY THAT MY FRIEND-MAKING BE THOROUGH. ONLY THAT IT BE SOON. THEREFORE. SHORTER IS BETTER. PERHAPS YOU HAVE A FRIEND-MAKING PAMPHLET OF SOME SORT.
SECONDLY. I UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS CUSTOMARY THAT ONE USE MONEY AS PAYMENT FOR YOUR PRODUCTS. BEING ONLY A HEN, I SHALL HAVE TO MAKE EGG PAYMENTS. IN INSTALLMENTS. MOREOVER. AS YOUR MATERIALS ARE ESSENTIAL FOR MY OBTAINING EGGS. THE EGG INSTALLMENTS SHALL HAVE TO BE MADE UPON DELIVERY. SO. SEND ME THE BILL.
MY THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. I’M SO EXCITED. PLEASE ADDRESS TO JE M'APPELLE. COCKETTE. AT COTTAGE-IN-THE-WOODS.
6.
WAIT. A POSTSCRIPT. ANOTHER SUBJECT. ON WHICH I WOULD LIKE MATERIALS. SAY A FRIEND OF MINE. NOT ME YOU UNDERSTAND. SOMEONE I KNOW. SAY SOMEONE I KNOW IS CONFUSED ON THE MATTER OF HER. WELL. SEXUALITY. DISCOVERY. COMING TO TERMS. ANYTHING ON THAT.
I ADD A SECOND POSTSCRIPT. COMMENCEMENT OF PLANS TO BE THE FIRST CHICKEN RULER OF THE WORLD. SO. P.S.S. HITLER. MUSSOLLINI. PINKY AND THE BRAIN. ANYTHING ON THAT.
I WING IT ON ITS WAY.
YOU GOT THAT, DID YOU NOT? TRAGIC IRONY. THAT. CHICKENS DO NOT FLY.
7.
I TAP MY CLAW. I TWIST MY WATTLE. TAPPITY TAP TAP. I RUFFLE MY FEATHERS AND TAKE A DRINK. CHRIST. THE MAILMAN'S NOT COMING ON A SUNDAY.
NEXT DAY. IF I HAD THINGS TO PUT IN A POCKET WHERE WOULD I PUT THEM. I COULD PUT THEM UP HERE. OR TO MY LEFT. OR TO MY RIGHT. TAPPITY TAP TAP. TAPPITY TAP TAP. I RUFFLE MY FEATHERS AND TAKE A DRINK. BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT. I NEED TO TAKE MY PILLS.
6.
WAS THAT THE PILL I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE. OR IS IT THIS ONE. OH WELL. GULP. WASH IT DOWN. TAKE A DRINK. WOW. LET'S WALK OVER HERE. LET'S WALK OVER THERE. AVOID THE PURPLE ELEPHANTS. HEY. I CAN SEE MY HAND. WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T HAVE HANDS. WAIT.
MY SPOON IS TOO BIG. I AM A BANANA. ME TIRED. SLEEP. MMMM.
8.
I SLEEP. I DREAM. DIVE UNDER WATER. SO CHARMING. I LET IT CLOSE ABOVE MY HEAD. DIVE DEEPER. FISH. I SEE FISH. FERTILE FISH. FERTILE HENS. EVERYWHERE. HENS. READY FOR. ME. EGGS. GOLDEN. SPECKLED. PURE WHITE. COVERING THE FLOOR OF THE POND. I REACH OUT FOR THEM. I WANT THEM NOW. SPLENDID OPPORTUNITY. WITH A POND OF INFINITE EGGS MY TROUBLES ARE OVER. AH. SUCCESS. I BREATHE IN THE SMELL OF SWEET SUCCESS AND REALIZE. I BREATHE. I GASP. I GULP. WATER.
WATER. I AM A HEN. IN A POND. NOT A FISH. NOT A DUCK. EGGS EXPLODING. SPARKS EVERYWHERE. I FLAP MY WINGS IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET TO THE SURFACE. OR I WILL DIE A DROWNING HEN WITH NO EGGS. A THOUGHT. IT'S A DREAM. ALL A DREAM. I AWAKE. TO THE SOUND OF SPARKS. FLYING CAT SPARKS. SHOCKS. WORLD WAR II. DUCK AND COVER. DUCK. THE DUCK.
9.
THE DUCK CAN LAY THE EGGS. I CAN TAKE THE EGGS. OR PERHAPS THE DUCK WILL GIVE ME THE EGGS IF I ASK. ASK DUCK. FIRST MUST FIND THIS DUCK. IF I WERE A DUCK WHERE WOULD I BE.
ON THE WATER. SHE TALKS ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I NEED A PLAN. ANY PLAN. FIRST FIND THE DUCK. GOT TO LAY EGGS.
LIGHTBULB. SECOND. ROPE. TO PULL THE DUCK OUT OF THE WATER. THEN. SHE CAN LAY EGGS. BUT IF THE DUCK IS OUT OF THE WATER. I SHOULD HAVE ADDED THAT TO MY LIST.
THIRD. TRAP THE DUCK FIRST. UNDER A BUCKET. BUT THEN I WOULD BE ALONE WITH THE DUCK. ALONE. WITH THE DUCK. CLUCK CLUCK. CLUCK. LOVER OR EGGS. LIFE IS SO DIFFICULT. WHY MUST I CHOOSE.
NOW I'M FEELING FRISKY. PLUCKY SO TO SPEAK. I'M SO EXCITED. AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT. I'M ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT. I'VE GOT IT. I'LL TRAP THE DUCK AFTER PULLING IT OUT OF THE WATER. TELL HER HOW I FEEL. ASK HER TO. YOU KNOW. COMPLY. GIVING ME HER EGGS. THAT WAS SIMPLE.
3.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE AND NOT A DUCK TO. DAMN. ONCE FRISKY, NOW I FEEL THE RISK IS. DAMN. GOT TO THINK. THINK WATER. DUCK FROM WATER. DUCK. DUCK. A VISION ON THE WATER.
SIGHT IS BAD FOR THE BRAIN. THE LADIES OF THE DAWN. FULL BREASTED FOWL. ALL THAT FINE PLUMAGE WASTED ON MEN. THEY KNOW. AND THEY LIKE IT. I LIKE IT TOO. WAXING MY TOE FEATHERS. STAYING WAY FROM THE STINKY BUGS AND FLUFFING MY TAIL FEATHERS. GAMES OF AN ADOLESCENT FILL MY BRAIN. MAKES ME BLIND. THOUGHT OF FINE WINE AND DIRTY CHICKS. COME ON BABY. MARINATE ME IN PISTACHIO PUDDING.
10.
MY IDEA. I HAVE AN IDEA. IT IS A GOOD IDEA. I DO NOT KNOW IF IT WILL SINK OR SWIN. MY IDEAS AWAYS SINK. MAYBE I SHOULD ATTACH A HELIUM BALLOON TO MY IDEAS. MAKE THEM LIGHT. FILL THE HOLES WITH LIGHT WEIGHT CEMENT. MAKE THEM LIKE MY DUCK. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. FLOATING ON THE WATER.
IF I COULD CONFESS MY FEELINGS. CONFESS MY SOUL TO HER. TELL HER MY PROBLEM. MY NEW CONFIDANT. BETTER THAN A CAT. YES MY BEAUTIMUS DUCK WOULD UNDERSTAND. WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME. WE COULD BE HALF THE WORLD. ALWAYS SUNSHINE. NEVER GLOOMY. BUT HOW TO DO IT. HOW TO MAKE IDEAS FLOAT. WHO KNOWS. MAYBE EVERYTHING FLOATS WITH DUCKS. OPEN MINDED. UNDERSTANDING.
YES. I WILL DO IT. DO IT NOW. DO IT RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. THE DUCK LISTENS. GULP. CAN’T BREATHE. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE DISCUSSING MOTHERHOOD AND MEATBALLS. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I WANT TO CONFESS. I WISH I COULD SWIM. I WISH I COULD FLOAT.
SAY IT. SAY IT. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HER. I’M AFRIAD TO LOSE HER. I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE. TAKE A CHANCE. I OPEN MY MOUTH BUT NO WORDS COME OUT. SHUT YOUR MOUTH STUPID, YOU LOOK DUMB. MY BEAUTIMUS DUCK HAS SWUM AWAY. CHICKEN SHIT. YOU’RE CHICKEN SHIT, COCKETTE. JUST DO IT. CORNER HER IN THE BATHROOM AND CONFESS. TELL HER THE TRUTH. BE COMPLETELY NAKED WITH HER. BE FREE.
I WILL NOT BE A CHICKEN SHIT. I TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS. I FLUTTER MY WINGS. I RUFFLE UP MY FEATHERS. I STRUT. I PREEN. I WALK INTO THE BATHROOM. I FAINT. I FAINT BECAUSE OF WHAT I SEE. AWFUL DISCOVERY. BETRAYED. AL THIS TIME WHY DIDN’T SHE. WHY DIDN’T HE. WHY DIDN’T SHE. HE. WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME. BETRAYED. TRICKED. HOODWINKED. I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. BUFFOON. I WAS IN LOVE. BLINDED. NO. NO. MY PLAN IS RUINED. I’LL BE KICKED OUT FOR SURE. THIS IS THE NIGHTMARE. THE NIGHTMARE HAS COME. SOON THE SUN WILL TURN BLOOD RED AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF ME. THE MAGGOTS EATING OUT MY STOMACH.
WHAT THE HELL IS A CHICKEN LIKE ME SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A COCK?
I’M SO EXCITED, AND I JUST CAN’T HIDE IT. I’M ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL. I HAVE LOST CONTROL. MY WORLD IS A ROLLER COASTER READY TO CRASH.
11.
GOT A LETTER. DEAR SIR. IN RESPONSE TO YOUR INQUIRIES WE HAVE ENCLOSED THE FOLLOWING MATERIALS. HUMAN ANATOMY 101. MUSCLES FOR THE WEAK. HEY WHAT'S THAT BIG GRAY THING THAT'S IN MY HEAD.
THE TOTAL COST OF THESE ITEMS WILL BE. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS. PLUS TAX IS ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR DOLLARS. PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING IS ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY THREE CENTS. FAILURE TO MAKE THIS PAYMENT WITHIN FIVE DAYS MAY RESULT IN A ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR FINE AND OR UP TO SEVEN YEARS IN PRISON. THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING OUR FINE PRODUCTS. YOURS TRULY. PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE.
WHAT. MUSSOLINI YOU MORONS. NOT MUSCLES. NOT FINGERS. NOT THAT BIG GRAY THING IN MY HEAD. ALSO. I KNOW I. ER. MY FRIEND. IS HAVING PROBLEMS IDENTIFYING.
FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN FEDERAL ACTION.
I REPLY.
DEAR SIRS OR MADAMS. I MUST SAY I AM MOST DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR APPALLING NEGLIGANCE. FIRST. I AM A CHICKEN. THEREFORE. I HAVE NO POCKETS. THEREFORE. I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY FOR THESE BOOKS I DID NOT ASK FOR. THEREFORE. WHAT PART OF EGG PAYMENTS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. SECOND. YOU HAVE PERFORMED A GREAT DISSERVICE TO ME. AND FURTHER. YOU HAVE WORSENED MY SITUATION. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE FROM PUBLISHER'S CLEARINGHOUSE COULD TAKE A DYNAMIC DUO OF ULTIMATE DISTRUCTION. TO BE THE BIG GRAY THING IN MY HEAD. OR TAKE MUSSOLINI. TO BE MUSCLES. SINCERELY. MS. COCKETTE.
P.S. I KNOW I. MY FRIEND. IS HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER SEXUALITY. BUT. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD TAKE ME FOR A COMMON COCK.
12. AN EVEN DOZEN. PERFECT. IMAGINE THAT.
AN ADDITION. FOR YOUR INFORMATION. CHICKENS DO NOT URINATE. WE SWEAT. ANOTHER ADDITION. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO URINATE. I WOULD WET MYSELF. RIGHT NOW. NO EGGS. NO RENT. NO HOME. A RATHER LARGE FOOTPRINT ON MY BEHIND. LOCKED DOORS. LOCKED WINDOWS. LOCKED CHIMNEYS. NO RETURN. WHISKEY UNDER ONE WING, SUITCASE UNDER THE OTHER. THOUGHTS OF MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. TAKE A DRINK. I REMAIN. TAKE A DRINK. POP A PILL. TAKE A DRINK. I REMAIN FAITHFULLY DRUNK. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? DRUNK. HOMELESS. FAILURE. EGG-ZACTLY.
