Manhattan Experimental Theater Workshop

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Written & performed by Jennifer Camfield, Megh Chakrabarti, Kate Nave, Camille Sultana, & Kevin Terry
Directed by Chris Gregory
Under the influence of Jean Cocteau

H: You are in the third valley of the Field of Wonders.
P: The field is neither wondrous nor a field but actually a prairie.
P: Look! Pinocchio, still a block of wood! Watch our poor proto puppet friend as he wiggles his way from misadventure to misadventure. And here is Geppetto. He looks like a good man. But with boys, he seems to be a tyrant. What does he say?
P: Go to school. Lazy donkeys are made into boys.
H: Boys are lazy
P: Lazy lazy donkey boys.
H: Geppetto says:
H: I have a block of wood.
P: You tickle my stomach! The wood declares. He giggles three times, then stops.
H: Geppetto kneels, prays, and exits.
H: A fine man, Geppetto searches for his recently completed puppet, who has already hidden himself among the blocks of wood in the corner.
H: Ah, such a fine corner.
P: Oh, an ABC Book! What does it say?
H: ABC . . . . . DE . . . . F. . . . . . LAZY LITTLE BOYS TURN INTO DONKEYS!
H: Geppetto is a naughty man. He seeks forgiveness. He finds the arms of a fairy.
P: She is dead.
H: They are all dead.
P: You’ve killed the fairy!
H: She’s left a tapestry. What does it say.
P: HERE LIES THE FAIRY. SHE LOST HER LIFE IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOLVE THE EVILS OF PUPPET FILLED WORLD. WEEP FOR HER. WEEP LONG. AND WEEP HARD. FOR SHE WILL NEVER RETURN. EVER. NEVER EVER.
H: The fairy, apparently still alive, reappears and has somehow found her way into the ocean and drowned. (Fairy comes up, gasps for air, then goes under) (Comes up again)
P: But it’s merely 10 am, I’m barely dressed.
P: Cricket enters. And the silly cricket says, “I have lived for 100 years.”
H: That was a vast exaggeration, it was six days.
H: And with that, Pinocchio chucks a hammer a the cricket's head.
P: The cricket falls and is carried offstage by four black rabbits.
H: The recently drowned fairy emerges from the ocean.
P: What does she say?
H: Carry my water jugs, they are heavy, would you care for a taste.
P: Pinocchio politely refuses, for he is a chaste puppet.
H: Pinocchio is wearing a flowered, slightly effeminate frock.
P: As Pinocchio. Flowers are the new black! It’s sexy cool.
H: The young metrosexual, finding himself at a loss for money attempts to question a talking owl but a carnival trainer comes on and grabs the owl who fights back furiously.
P: As Trainer. Next time I clip your wings! I raise you, feed you, teach you to talk, and you run away to some crackpot fairy tail.
H: Oh look, here is the blind Cat! He digs a hole to do his catty business, sniffs his work, buries it, and runs away.
H: Bye, bye kitty.
P: Caretaker of the Field comes by and fines Pinocchio $100 for not cleaning up his Cat’s mess in clear violation of at least 2 laws.
P: As Caretaker. Whose cat was it?
H: As Pinocchio, lying. The fairy’s, but you can’t fine her, this is a scene where she has chosen to be dead.
P: The old caretaker crawls off the stage cursing, “I wanted to be a dentist, but no, papa said, ‘take care of the field of wonders, it’s in the family.’ I need a butterscotch.”
H: Pinocchio refuses to take the Fairy’s medicine.
P: I refuse to take your medicine.
H: The Fairy doesn’t enjoy Pinocchio’s response, and calls in her death rabbits.
P: Four black rabbits carrying a coffin enter.
H: As rabbits. We have come for you, naughty little boy.
P: As Pin. But I’m not dead yet.
H: But you are!!
P: And then a rabbit brings out a stethoscope and puts it to his own heart.
H: Dead! Dead! Oh god they’re all dead!
P: So the other rabbits, realizing they had a death among them hurriedly put the rabbit in the coffin.
H: Death, oh death. The rabbit sneezes.
P: And the lid is shut. Three rabbits carrying an extremely unbalanced coffin fade away, leaving a trail of easter death eggs in their wake.
P: The Fairy’s Poodle, Medoro, enters on pogo stick.
H: I’ve come by decree of the queen. Those eggs must be confiscated for a case in which the bunnies of death are being charged with murder!
P: The case goes to trial
H: A large gorilla judges
P: The bunnies plead guilty.
H: The bailiff is a dog.
H: The animals are in uproar.
P: And to think, it’s only fifteen-till three.
P: The large gorilla, being the closest primate to humans, other than chimpanzees, is deemed a fitting judge to the proceedings
H: He observes the case and throws feces at the wall
P: He has declared Pinocchio guilty
H: At the commotion, two large dogs appear, dressed in police uniforms.
P: They carry Pinocchio away.
H: The jury, twelve sheep, retire to their meadow to eat sweet, sweet grass.
P: Enter Hoobananny. “I am an imaginary animal.” Exit Hoobananny. Is it a mirage? It is NOT an animal.
P: A donkey loving whipper butterball applefaced man appears
H: He whips Pinocchio
P: He brushes Pinocchio
H: As Pinocchio. I’m turning into a donkey.
P: People start becoming donkeys, and all of a sudden it’s not that great of a place.
P: Pinocchio does not enjoy his new ears, although they do improve his hearing, and during the warm summers provide a natural source of air conditioning. Functioning as the jackrabbits that live in the desert of South West America.
P: The fat butterball man gives Pinocchio a sponge bath.
H: And he brushes him.
P: Long and hard he brushes.
H: Tenderly he brushes.
P: Until his arm.
H: From brushing all day
P: Is tired.
H: Pinocchio the donkey is sold for four cents to an old musician who wants the donkey’s skin to make himself a drum head.
P: And his head for a tasteful decorative piece
P: The musician discovers his donkey is really a whining puppet-boy.
H: He threatens to burn Pinocchio.
P: The musician is just a lonely, cold man with no drum head. But selfish Pinocchio doesn’t understand.
H: Pinocchio donkey gallops into the ocean and swims away as piranhas chew away his donkey flesh but ignore the boy’s wooden skeleton core, restoring his puppethood..
P: The musician buys another donkey, which he proceeds to mutilate.
H: Enter a dying Lampwick, once a beautiful boy, now a gray donkey. He delivers a dramatic soliloquy.
P: Oh, the light around me fades. Why does it seem my life has ended with no one knowing my plight as a boy-worker-horse-donkey. No one’s light shone brighter than mine, for I was Lampwick. Ye gods! Has my life amounted to nothing more than slave service for an obese milkman? Anytime that anyone hears the sound of a fine drumhead made out of donkey, they will hear Laaaaaaampwiiiiick. I get no glass of sweet warm sweet milk. No milk sweet warm warm sweet milk sweetness . . . milk.
P: The fairy enters
H: As fairy. I’m dead.
P: As Pin. What?
H: The fairy exits, chuckling to herself.
P: As P in. I hate my life. But I will continue to keep an optimistic outlook, as I am a puppet and cannot have negative feelings.
H: No one wants to see a sad puppet.
H: Dance little wooden man
Dance sequence. Pogo stick and hula hoops.
H: The shark in his obvious contempt eats his old chain-smoking cellmate Geppetto. However, Geppetto is a frisky old man and slides like a greased overcooked muffin through the many rows of teeth.
P: Now, he is in the ocean. But his matches are wet, and therefore OBSOLETE!
H: Death! The morbid Fairy screams in a plea for attention. Four rabbits and their coffin reappear.
P: “Not you,” the fairy says, clearly exasperated.
H: The rabbits leave. the fairy laughs. I shall die. OH! The hilarity! She laughs her long loud and distinctive laugh.
P: (as the fairy) Laughs loud and obnoxiously high pitched.
H: Glass can be heard shattering and small children begin to cry for their mothers.
P: The fairy will dress up as her much beloved poodle and pogo stick. Because only poodles pogo stick, and therefore no one will suspect that it is she the fairy and not a furry french pet.
H: With a little fairy dust she has turned into a blue poodle.
H: Because she couldn’t bleach the blue out of her hair.
P: She phones and consults the “Clairol” hot line and is put on hold.
P: In exasperation she yells, “I am DEAD to you . . . OR . . . You are dead to me, Clairol!” And slams the fairy phone back down on the receiver.
H: So the fairy is dead.
P: So to speak.
H: So to speak of other matters we see an honesty preaching harlot faking her own death and spending afternoons telling young boys what they must do in order to become real puppets.
P: She reappears.
H: No one wonders why she isn’t dead anymore.
P: She just isn’t.
P: Yes, the goat.
H: Oh look! The Fairy has run out of ways to confuse the audience.
P: But wait! She’s growing goat fur and small horns sprout out of her head.
H: She looks for a mirror, and, happy with her new appearance, eats it, as goats tend to do.
P: The fairy ingests the entire room.
H: And, eventually, half of her own body.
P: Well, she thought, it this doesn’t freak Pinocchio out, nothing will.
P: In a desperate attempt to get his attention, she lunges into the water. There she is attacked by an ocean going band of piranhas.
H: Not having a wooden skeleton like Pinocchio, she dies, but will inexplicably show up later in the story.
H: What does she say?
P: Dammit
H: The story progresses
P: Geppetto sits at home waiting for Pinocchio to return.
H: Why does he still wait for him?
P: He has no pears.
P: No coat.
P: Enter Geppetto’s parole officer.
H: (As Parole Officer.) You haven’t beaten your ex-donkey puppet boy lately, have you?
P: (As Geppetto) No.
H: (as Par Off) Good.
H: Enter the penguin.
P: (As penguin) I am a penguin. I cannot fly.
H: Penguin exits.
H & P: Amen!
H: In walks the author of Pinocchio, amazed at what his story has become written under the strong influence of methamphetamines and peanut butter.
H: Back to the story!
P: Lovable puppet maker Geppetto beats Pinocchio and once again falls into darkness.
P: Pinocchio returns home wet and cold and decides to warm his feet at the fire
H: He puts them close, and closer . . . closer, they begin to catch fire.
P: Pinocchio has discovered a fun new game and the joy of being a flammable pyromaniac.
H: As Pin. Laughs gleefully
P: This game continues, putting his feet in and pulling them out when they start to burn.
H: Unfortunately, an end must come to all good things and after about 6 hours of the game which Pinocchio nicknames “Singe,” his feet fall off.
P: As Pin. Oh gee. . .
H: But that’s no reason the fun has to stop! Pinocchio waits patiently on his stool.
P: Until the cat passes by
H: As Pin. Want to play a game Kitty?
P: As Cat. Meow?
H: Pinocchio takes the cat totally by surprise throws it into the fire.
P: And Pinocchio is content until morning watching the sparks off of the cat’s flesh
H: As Gep. Pinocchio, I’m home, let me in!
P: As Pin. I can’t father, I have no feet.
P: Geppetto comes through the back door and sees Pinocchio's charred legs. What does he say?
H: As Gep. Pinocchio, what happened to your legs
P: The cat ate them!
H: and Pinocchio points to its charred skeleton
P: Geppetto can’t believe the nerve of that cat and scolds it harshly
H: As Gep. Bad kitty!
P: Pinocchio does not say a word even though he knows he is lying.
H: And Pinocchio's nose does not grow, because for inexplicable reasons Pinocchio's nose grows only during some lies.
P: Especially around the fairy.
H: Yes, when he is around the fairy his nose grows tremendously.
P: Sometimes he will tell lies around the fairy just so his nose will grow
H: Enter Geppetto.
P: He exits.
H: He returns. He has forgotten his puppet making tools.
P: He plans to pry Pinocchio’s mouth open with a knife, and from there he’s really not sure of what to do.
H: But he really likes the knife idea.
H: I am the carver. I make the rules. I’ve been to the field of wonders. It’s all right.
H: Geppetto wonders many countries in search of Pinocchio.
P: He sees Cathedrals and museums and palaces and Ms. Calypso’s House of Pleasure.
P: And he wonders who really needs Pinocchio?
H: (As Geppetto) Pinocchio who?
P: He’s enjoying the good life without having to support that rotten boy.
H: He has the life, the luxury . . . the ladies.
H: Enter the Cricket in stiletto heels. Cri Cri Cri.
P: Exit the cricket.
H: Geppetto looks at his poor charred cat.
P: A Chorus of old women enters. What do they say.
H: Poor Geppetto. Poor charred cat.
P: The old women leave.
H: Enter Geppetto’s straw wig like a great rabid hairy leech.
P: It begins to devour Pinocchio.
H: As Pin, muffled because of monster wig. Ahhh! Father get it off!
P: As wig. Mmmmm Puppet good.
H: Will the wigs’ reign of terror never cease?
P: As Pin. Father-- dying breath
H: Geppetto puts the wig in its cage, because sometimes it tends to get rather affectionate with the cat.
P: The cat does not appreciate this.
H: Well, she . . . she might have.
P: But one would hope not, seeing as she is a cat
H: And the wig is definitely not a cat
P: Or an animal
H: But diverse relationships are good and beneficial!
P: Don’t get us wrong.
H: But we draw the line of acceptance
P: At cat loving wigs.
H: If you had seen it, you would agree
P & H: shudder
P: The cricket is still dead.
H: Cri cri cri
P: How dead is the cricket?
H: He is not dead. (the cricket dances)
P: I shall cree no more.
P: Enter four rabbits. They hop twice. They exit.
H: Enter the fox in red ruby slippers. He exits.
P: I am the ghost of Christmas Past, says the Grasshopper.
H: Fairy enters.
P: She wants to die again.
H: This isn’t surprising.
P: She must be a sad, lonely, pathetic woman.
H: She is.
H: Look! She’s getting on one of the fun rides!
P: But she isn’t buckled up . . .
H: Fairy falls out of roller coaster, landing in a pit of rusty spikes.
P: Exit Fairy.
H: Enter Fairy. What does she say?
P: I’m not dead!
H: The cast of characters is angered.
P: They kill the fairy.
H: What does she scream?
P: Hooray!
P: Enter flying carpet. Exit flying carpet.
P: Fairy dies.
H: Pinocchio, you would think by now would have learned his lesson.
P: However, he seemed ridiculously fixated on carrying the old woman’s jugs.
H: All day and all night he carried those full and friendly jugs.
P: (as the woman) Ohh, little wooden boy, please carry my jugs.
P: The little wooden boy and his little wooden nose grew.
P: Enter the owl. What does he have to say?
H: Little boy, if you are wise you will go to school and only dream of jugs on your own time, preferably at night.
P: Pinocchio leaves and reenters.
H: As we all know, puppets are only visible when attached to strings.
P: His strings are cut.
H: He disappears.
P: Geppetto relinquishes all claim to Pinocchio.
H: He marries.
P: He has a child.
P: The baby explodes.
H: Enter Fairy.
P: She emits a loud scream and dies.
H: The fairy falls to her knees and sobs, “Lies! Pinocchio! That’s all you know! Lies!”
H: Pinocchio's nose falls off.
P: The Fairy picks up Pinocchio's limp and severed nose and gleefully commits seppuku.
H: Pinocchio reattaches his nose and works for many days.
P: For that sweet sweet glass of milk.
P: He has gotten toned
H: He has gotten strong
P: He has gotten in perfect shape to sport a speedo in the upcoming swimsuit season.
H: But he’s still not a real boy!
P: (as Pin.) Father, when can I become a real boy?
H: A real boy? Whoever told you you could be a real boy? You’re a block of wood! Isn’t it good enough that you can walk and talk? No, you want acne, you want hormones, you want constipation?
P: Pinocchio replies timidly, “Yyess father.”
H: Enter the fairy as a little girl. What does she say?
P: I am a goat. Bahhh!
H: And dies.
P: The fairy has been proclaimed dead for real.
H: That is one dead fairy.
P: The cast of Pinocchio gathers for a photo.
H: Say dead goat fairy.
P & H: DEAD Goat Fairy!
P: But what about Pinocchio?
P: He looks around.
H: He touches his arms.
P: He touches his legs.
H: He touches his nose.
P: He touches himself.
H: His nose grows.
P: That is a long nose.
H: Pinocchio is the only one left now, he grabs a razor, starts to whistle and whittles his leg.
H: The fairy is walking down the streets of the ghetto. After performing a series of complicated martial arts poses the fairy is killed in the ensuing and violent dance off.