Copyright held by the Manhattan Experimental Theater Workshop
View Permission for Production Policy
Written and performed by Anna Bergren-Kamerer, Chris Blea, & Whitney Flinn
Directed by Gwethalyn Williams
Under the influence of Lee Breuer & Mabou Mines
Ahem. Do you know who you’re talking to? You will address me accordingly. I am the lord of all. I am A god. I am the pharaoh. I am Egypt’s savior. I can't help my position. Comes with the calling card. You are pleased to make my acquaintance. The start of which requires a kneel, grovel. Repeat as necessary.
I persist in understanding. I have achieved an understanding. liar. I have never been compared before. My legs not used to walking like my fathers before. put your poker face on. keep up with the people. they want proud. the unsure never last. Give ‘em the cold shoulder. a personality disorder. not necessarily a bad one.
as you well know our water consumption is up by 20%. due to certain calculations. planet alignments. and abAcus adjustments. production has skyrocketed. a modern city has modern needs. the future is here.
aqueducts.
a solution for the masses. cheap, clean, affordable. real estate will expand. think children laughing in the spinklers. Baby kissing politicians. unemployment will disappear. peace will at last be within our grasp. popular opinion is absolute. the public demands water. they will not settle for a half done job.
moving on. let us say M is the masses. A is the number of aqueducts needed in our fair city. one takes the Q quantity of D decrease from NB nile beginning to NE nile end. a closer look would put the A air inspection in divide with NB – NE. Which would make me P pharaoh. excellent. We’ll start production tomorrow.
To be honest I like to watch. Watch them scurry around and do. This or that. somebodies. Nobodies. Consider nobodies. They wake and work on my ideas. They built them up high and proud. Take hours lifting each stone. Broken by the end. My proud nobodies. Each to his own. An army for my dreams. The world’s greatest city. I research. They labor. A perfect streamlined society.
(bring bring) Hello? Yeah, Moses. You don’t say. A party in the desert? Sounds delightful. no you may not go. You need a vacation? Heavens no. do you think Rome was built with vacations? Uh huh. The lord. No he's not in my address book. The letter G. nope not there either. Well this has been peachy. Get back to work. Look the lord will just have to wait. Now as long as I have your attention, what do you know about the art of aquaduction?
Those nobodies. They vacation twice a week. give 'em an inch they go for the mile. I work everyday. everynight. Slaving over this cloddish city. hot wax burns on. The wife moans at me. Come to bed. 3 am. Uncompleted aqueducts. If you put the inverted syphon here. Air inspection over there. Check the sedimentation tank from time to time. By golly this just might work. What’s that? Something’s wrong with the water. It’s not water. Well what is it. Blood. That might complicate things.
everynight. Who would do this. The world's greatest empire. Blood. Bathe with it. Eat with it. Sleep with it. Everyday. red. thick. Incorrect. The faucet. Clogged pipes. A dirty bastard’s plot. Not a trick or treat sort of thing. A national threat. A terrorist perhaps. A change with violence. Not to my country. this will not happen. Blood pours into the streets. mail the doctor. He’ll know something.
I order you to find something on thinning blood. The art of preventing cloggage. Perhaps hemophilia. Sickle cell anemia. A virus we could introduce. Magic that turns blood into water. Is there a history or an encyclopedia we could look at? It would be under the pretext of "god's wrath". Get these texts to me ASAP. Or I’ll have you beheaded. Your omnipotent one.
Ra the sun god awakes. No message. Anubis is enraged. Everyday. Everynight. incense and oils. The same shabang. Hot sun. I announce a reward. For the doctors head.
I revel in thought. Pectorals protrude. Nose up. Dominant attitude. Give 'em one for the books. My medulla oblongata pops like sizzling maize in the sun. Eureka.
Aspirin.
Old ladies use it. Why can't we. Possible side effects. An allergic reaction. Vomiting. Hallucinations. We can risk it. Into the sedimentation tank. I lean back. Aspirin stops the pain. Problem eliminated. Pharaoh saves the day once again. Peasants present him the greatest leader on earth award. No cloggage to stop me. The wife enters. Slinky see-though dress. I obey gladly. Into the bedroom. We stop. The sheets are crimson red. Silence. Tuesday. Washday.
Turn on the faucet. the same glop of veiny life-force. Hope is coagulated. More aspirin. Feels like water. It is water. Life giving. Or is this a side effect. Red or clear. Does it matter? I’m through. I recommend a closed toe shoe for the streets.
a longing for this. to have dedicated my life to cleaning up this city. piping it up to clear ringing perfection. hurt. this affliction must stop. a secret meeting at midnight. pstt. moses. come in moses. call off this plague. I’ll let your people go. just make the red go away. 10 4. he says.
get away from it all. A vacation. But where, the alps are terrible this time of year. And Israel is pissed. Aha! Here. I will vacation here. join the nobodies. hustle and bustle. this is not so bad. the circle of life. This underworld of sorts. look at them. simple folks. work sleep death. what finesse. what class. no pain no gain. Now that’s the stuff.
breath in. sewage and sweat. sweet meats and cinnamon. intoxicating.
bzzzt. who dares? bzzzt. bzzzt. stop this. Panic. scramble. the Crowd pushes through. it carries me. I come up for air. It pulls me under. I fight it. it uppercuts. I kick. washed away. wholly shit. thick black swarm blankets my city. Worst vacation ever!!! time for a detour. never against the current. that’s the ticket. up through the window. good as gold. turn. crap. the soot’s coming. into the kitchen. raining bullets. take cover.
Bumbumbumdum! Grab me ROYAL EAGLES! grab me nets. GRAB ME! They will think better of me after this. Respect. Inspector. Perched, narrow back. Do me good. The net on the tail. Teach them hatred of insect wing and let them go. Work for the Pharoah please. They fly. Oh no! Mayday Mayday! Huston we have a problem. They’ve been taken over by the black storm. Nothing left for me. Thwarted again.
Disgust. They have gotten under my skin. How pesky. Flapping of wings. Everywhere. Red Lumps indulge me. My crops. My people’s crops. No god would do this. pitch black like under my eye lids. No Water. No shelter. I am shamed. No cows, no corn. their pinching legs. They turned my land black.
moses approaches like a sheriff. wait until you can see the whites of their eyes. no i won't let your people get smashed in the desert. more soot in the sky. ra help me. okay okay. i say. i'll let them go to the kegger. just send those stupid bugs away. he cracks a smile. asshole. i mutter.
tomorrow. the faucet sputters. it coughs a bit. flops over and dies. why won’t the damn facet give me water. I kick it a few times. the wife screams. clearly I have been replaced. a frog in bed. call the boys. doggie eyes. I scold and shoo. go to the sedimentation tank. ribbet. full of green demons. ambition has croaked. been clogged in the pipes with the frogs. why try at all. blood, insects, frogs. whats next. plague of zombies? plague of not caring. forget it. not again. I quit.
It has come to attention that my competition has won. My time has been nothing. BUT WHAT OF MY PROJECT! This can not be just dropped. The people have worked so tremendously hard. It does not feel right to sit in my gold chair. Heavy. Cubed. My palace is piled to the ceiling in garbage and dead frogs.
Midnight. a hand slithers in the house. unnatural summer freeze. there and gone. close the blinds. sleep. I awake. how about a day at the beach. wake the boys. my firstborn. I shake and shake. pry his eyelids open. flood of white. there and not there. a body formless. shapeless. cover the others eyes. a military officer come to tell the dear wife of death. of nothingness. she just stares. leaves. I feel an earthquake. rumble from toes to head. back slips down the wall. flops over and curls. a spiral of knowing. red and watery lips blubber. quiver and shake.
it's different. a space in the sheets. still a valley of her form. she's gone. the wife. the goddess. neither here nor there. drowing in slience. anywhere but here. anytime but now. they left me. probably went to the kegger.
stranger in a foreign land. the ropes are left untended. the blocks with no one beneath. water sprinkling out of a broken pipe. laughing children no where to be seen. I can feel my domain slipping through the cracks like the sand of the Sinai. my people. my workers. my everything. left for a party in the desert that i was not invited to.
I come to a point in life where I just can't get up. What use is it to carry a staff when the public will never see you. Never fear you. Never respect you. I give up. I beg. Please. I said please! they aren’t coming back.
Enough self pity! The night is young. I intend on drowning my sorrows. Realization. I am powerful. I am strong! I can take hell and back, and I have! They can't keep me down, I'm the king of Egypt! Pharaoh! The crowd goes wild! The Israelites leave me alone! And I'm rich! Covered in gold! Absolute pure gold! I smell like a gin factory.
I can see a pharaoh who can rise above the rest. make mountains out of stone. marked by vast amounts of good looks and optimism. ladies can’t get enough of the handyman. I can do it myself. picking up stones is an easy trick. one two three. lift. one two three. lift. phooey. surely I just need a rest after all this hard work. a margarita and caviar. get this old machine running again.
some papyrus came. dear sir. I regret to inform you that you have a rare and unkempt disease called idol-i –tis gold-er-ross-sity infectus. idolitis for short. this disease is marked by extreme love for ones- self and being made out of gold. if not treated right away god’s wrath will be disposed on thee. for quick and easy treatment take two aspirin and call me in the morning. yours truly. the doctor.
I flip the papyrus over. a drawing of a golden calf. damn it. I say. he thinks I’m a cow.
well I’ll set him right. I write. sir to whom it may concern I am a pharaoh of Egypt first and formerly. gold and metal on the outside. a little boy on the inside. a bit of stiff upper lip. my city trailing behind me. Through blood locusts and frogs. I’m a handyman in the most literal sense. A god to all who have left. a ruler who rules though the night. 6 by 10 pipes. 75% water. in degrees 98.6, in Celsius 32.5. in a word. yours omni(Impotently).
