Copyright held by the Manhattan Experimental Theater Workshop
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Written by: Lakin, Chris A., Clint, and Rebecca
Directed by: Blake and Megan
Under the influence of Charles Mee
Mother: The lights come up to reveal a wrecked ship. It is called the Oh God Is that A Bee. The ship is surrounded by mounds of sand with tulips and pine trees sticking out of them. Running the whole length of stage right is a wide red carpet placed over the sand. The smell of vanilla and parsley fills the air. Over and over again a voice whispers haunting melodies. Occasionally snatches of a trumpet fanfare is heard. On the front of the stage lies a woman dressed in green. She lays there like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White waiting for her prince to come. Flat on her back, hands crossed. She appears to be either asleep or very prettily dead.
(In the background, we hear Cinderella speak.)
Cinderella: I don’t think about lentils.
I don’t think about how I got here.
I don’t think about why I hold this toothbrush.
I don’t think about where my father went.
I don’t think about gray smocks.
I don’t think about pretty dresses.
I don’t think about gratefulness.
I don’t think about washing my face. Ever.
Mother: Dearest daughter. Come to my side. Something very important has come up. I need to tell you now, for I know not how much time I have left.
I am dying.
(fake pathetic cough)
(Cinderella comes skipping in and goes to her mother's side. Cinderella is adorable, young and very happy. She carries a book that reads very big on the cover “Apathetic For Life.")
Cinderella: But mother...
Just last week the doctor said you were healthy. That you still have fifty years to live. You aren't dying.
Mother: That's just it dearest daughter.
I've decided I am done living.
Cinderella: But why?
Mother: You ask good questions. I always knew you were bright.
You are destined for great, great things in life.
Cinderella: (worried) But mother.
I need you.
Mother: My dear child.
If you are good and say your prayers our dear lord shall always help you and I will look down from heaven and always be with you.
Run along, though.
(Cinderella is very distraught.)
Cinderella: But mother...
Mother: I said get out of here.
(Cinderella looks around and walks away.)
Installer: Alright, there’s yer brand-spankin’-new home security system. Can I interest you in any sort of surveillance, cameras, black boxes, home automation, homeowner’s insurance, little animals like frogs or insects, lighting, timers, burglar alarms, safes for valuables, car security, garage security, guard dogs, teddy bears, lawn surveillance, door alarms, window alarms, old shoes, skylight alarms, stunsticks, door jammer braces, swimming pool alarm, child safety door locks, sucking on thumbs or fingers, wireless color security cameras, fireproof home vault (also called panic room), always going to church with mom and dad, keysafes, portable escape ladders, or driveway alarms
(looking at the keypad he just installed)
Whoa. No, it’s ok. For a second I thought the keypad was asking where its daughter was.
Cinderella: I don’t think about your ugly face.
I don’t think about wanting to rip my stepmother’s nose off.
I don’ think about what normal kids do.
I don’t think about beeping answers.
I don’t think about my mother as a security system.
I don’t think about why my mother just up and died.
I don’t think about my DNA.
Stepmother: Oh. She's yelling at the security system again. Poor girl. I tore her father away. Now he's forgotten her name. Her mother died. You really can't blame her. I would get frustrated too, but she's becoming more than frustrated, she has become a complete basket case. But you can't blame her. Maybe the beeps are soothing. I don't know. I find it rather annoying.
Stepsister 1: Oh, Cinderella.
We really do appreciate how much work you do for us.
How you cook
and clean
and every thing else you do for us.
Stepsister 2: Yes, Cinderella.
How wonderful you do with your chores.
I would hate it if you did poorly at your chores.
The things we would have to do.
Stepsister 1: Oh, the things we would have to do.
Things that are terrible
So awful
Things that make you cringe when you hear them.
Yes. What's that one thing we could do called?
Stepsister 2: Oh
You mean the one where we cut off her ears
place hinge clips on her nipples
and then paddle her until she is unconscious.
Stepsister 1: No, no
I was thinking of the one where we replace all of her toilet tissue with sand paper
and then put salt in all of her ointments
and then place metal savings in her garments
Stepsister 2: Oh, I would hate to do that
hopefully she doesn't fall asleep on the job
I would hate to cut off her eyelids.
Stepsister 1: Oh, it would be a shame if hot cinders got in her eyes
blinding her.
Stepsister 2: You know what they say, Cinderella.
Only the ignorant
hateful and ugly
end up blind.
Stepsister 1: What do you think about that Cinderella?
Cinderella: I don't think about that.
Stepsister 2: That's right
Cinderella doesn't thing about that.
It seems to me Cinderella doesn't think
What do you think about Cinderella?
Cinderella: I don't think about the
slow
horrible
and painful demise of my
cruel
evil stepsisters
or of them receiving their own
torture fantasies
Stepsister 1: That's right Cinderella
Because if you did
I would just be forced to place
dull
rusty shanks in all of your
favorite chairs and mattresses
Stepsister 2: But don't worry
We would do our best to stop
the bleeding with the best of
barbed wire tourniquets we
could find.
What do you think about that?
Cinderella: I don't think about that
Stepsister 2: Surprise surprise
There is
One more thing we ask
of you Cinderella
(Pours lentils onto her)
Clean up these lentils, you
worthless,
meaningless,
un-loved,
peasant.
(Sisters exit.)
Town Crier/NPR: (the opening strains of “All Things Considered” are heard) Hear ye, hear ye. The town crier is joining us for a short announcement. As part of the celebration of the Prince's Birthday, join us for three nights of fun-filled festivities. On the first night we shall be hosting a round of speed dating, come and get your love. The second nigh,t a poetry reading, I've heard you're glad, I'll bet you're bad. Poetry. Please feel free to bring original atrocities. On the last night we host a footloose themed love connection. Bring your dancing shoes. Hope to see you there. Ladies and Gents. Good night.
Stepmother: Have you cleaned the lentils out of the ashes yet?
Stepsister: Personally
I like making her pick out bad
lentils
Stepmother: Well. . .that’s quite good.
No, I’ve changed my mind, you can’t go to the ball.
You better quit your arguing before I prod you.
Stepsister: She is rather ridiculous.
Stepmother: I am giving you one last chance
Stepsister: Yes, I know her
Mother died
That her father abandoned
her
But is that a reason to be
so cranky
Stepmother: Good, that’s what I thought.
What do you mean I am ugly.
Step-Sister:: She just doesn’t realize
how sensitive
I can be. You know, with
me having to be so ugly and
everything.
Stepmother: That’s it, you stupid little girl, it’s prodding time. (Prods.) I hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Oh, no you didn’t. (Prods.)
Stepsister: I had no idea.
Stepmother: That’s right you are. No, go back to work and don’t let me hear another peep out of you, understand?
Good. (Prods.)
Stepsister: Oh, shut up!
I told you I didn’t mean
to do it on purpose.
Cinderella: I don't think about being miserable.
Mother: Beep.
Cinderella: I don't think about wanting to go to the Prince's birthday celebrations.
Mother: Beep.
Cinderella: I don't think about speed dating or poetry readings or dancing at a ball.
Mother: Beep.
Cinderella: I don't think about marrying a prince or being a princess.
Mother: Beep.
Cinderella: I don't think about wanting a blazer.
Mother: Beep (Ejects a blaze)
Cinderella: I don't think about how this blazer came out of thin air. (Runs off.)
Stepsister 1: Two minutes. That's all I had. Two minutes with the Prince.
Stepsister 2: Well, I didn't get to talk to him at all. After that idiot blazer walked in, he refused to switch tables anymore. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules. It's just not fair.
Stepsister 1: Did you notice how blazer-girl kind of looked like our worthless stepsister? Only with a blazer on, of course.
Do you think. . .?
Stepsister 2: That's impossible. Cinderella never wears a blazer, so it couldn't be her.
Stepsister 1: She also never wears ponchos.
Stepsister 2: Or mu mus.
Stepsister 1: Or plaid skirts.
Both: Hmmm...
Cinderella: I don't think about working
thinking about working makes me sad
and when I'm sad I bitch
and bitches go to poetry readings
(Mother ejects sunglasses at Cinderella)
I don't think about bad lyrics
or of seeing people talking about him.
Stepsister 2: OK. I've had it. That's twice in one week that the Prince has been too busy with other girls to notice us. What's his problem? (Whips out compact, primps hair).
Stepsister 1: Did you notice how sunglasses girl looked exactly like blazer girl, only wearing sunglasses, of course.
Stepsister 2: and they both looked exactly like Cinderella.
Stepsister 1: Who never wears sunglasses or blazers.
Both: Hmmm...
(Continuous Beeping.)
Cinderella: I don't think about talking to my dead mother who is embodied as a security system.
I don't think about balls.
I don't think about princes.
I don't think about living in palaces.
I don't think about tiaras.
(Ejects tiara)
I don't think about consequences.
Stepsister 1: I mean, what's so great about tiaras?
Stepsister 2: Well, they're kind of sparkly
Both: Hmmm...
Private Invesigator: “Well, Mr. Charming, pardon me, Your Highness charming” – I said with a smirk, this guy wasn’t very charming at all, in fact, one look as his smug mug made we want to pop him one right in the mouth, just like I did to that bookie who tried to make me pay up, even though the fight was rigged. But this Charming guy what fancied himself a Prince was paying quite a lot, just to find some dame on the run from him. And I don’t blame her. – “I gotta say, this is gonna one hell of a chase, if you can’t even tell me her name!” - this guy knows how to sneer, I thought to myself as he tried to explain to me that he had spent three nights with and it never once crossed his mind to ask name. what an idiot – “What, you have a shoe? Well, let’s see it.” – Charming handed me a shoe that looked more like a ice sculpture, but of a shoe. A “Glass Slipper” he called it. Looked to me like more of a foot cramp in waiting.
(PI mimes taking a shoe, and mimes the actions he describes.)
I took a whiff of the shoe. I had to be sure it wasn’t planted there to throw me off. Hoo, that thing stinks. So I knew it was the real deal. Charming looked at me like a lobster looks a trap. – “You got a problem, kid?” –He didn’t like me calling him kid – “For your information” – I explained – “I’m making sure you didn’t plant this shoe yourself to keep me from my real work.” – I left him with an indignant look in his face.
Structurally, DNA is a double helix: two strands of genetic material spiraled around each other. Each strand contains a sequence of bases (also called nucleotides). A base is one of four chemicals (adenine, guanine, cytosine and thymine).
Every person can be identified solely by the sequence of their base pairs. These patterns do not, however, give an individual "fingerprint," but they are able to determine whether two DNA samples are from the same person, related people, or non-related people. Scientists use a small number of sequences of DNA that are known to vary among individuals a great deal, and analyze those to get a certain probability of a match.
(Simultaneous with the previous scene, starting at “I took a whiff of the shoe”)
Stepsisters: A few days later, the king's son had it proclaimed, by sound of trumpet, that he would marry her whose foot this slipper would just fit. They began to try it on the princesses, then the duchesses and all the court, but in vain; it was brought to the two sisters, who did all they possibly could to force their foot into the slipper, but they did not succeed.
Cinderella, who saw all this, and knew that it was her slipper, said to them, laughing, "Let me see if it will not fit me."
Her sisters burst out laughing, and began to banter with her . The gentleman who was sent to try the slipper looked earnestly at Cinderella, and, finding her very handsome, said that it was only just that she should try as well, and that he had orders to let everyone try.
He had Cinderella sit down, and, putting the slipper to her foot, he found that it went on very easily, fitting her as if it had been made of wax. Her two sisters were greatly astonished, but then even more so, when Cinderella pulled out of her pocket the other slipper, and put it on her other foot. Then in came her godmother and touched her wand to Cinderella's clothes, making them richer and more magnificent than any of those she had worn before.
(Continuous Beeping.)
Cinderella: I don't think about wanting
Wanting gets you no place
even though I heard about this man
even though I didn't actually see him.
I don't think about seeing him.
I don't think about seeing my husband.
I don't think about being a princess.
I don't think about what's going to happen tomorrow.
I don't think about what's so great about this guy.
(Lights come up just on the Stepsisters. They are sitting back to back in the center of the stage.)
Stepsister 1: Did you know
Cinderella wasn’t her real name.
Stepsister 2: Where has her father gone
I’m pretty sure he’s a drunk.
(Stepsisters are standing on a sand dune. Eyes shut.)
Stepsister 1: What are we doing here?
Stepsister 2: I can’t see!
Stepsister 1: What did you do?
Stepsister 2: I can’t see!
Stepsister 1: Sister, has Cinderella gotten married to the Prince?
Stepsister 2: I can’t see!
Stepsister 1: Oh, shut up! I know you can’t see! I can’t see! Our eyes have been pecked out by pretty little song birds.
Stepsister 2: Ah, I remember.
Stepsister 1: What are we doing here?
Stepsister 2: This is all your fault, you know. You were such an evil stepsister.
Stepsister 1: I was just following the story. It’s just the way it happens.
Stepsister 2: I have sand in my shoes.
Stepsister 1: No one really cares.
Stepsister 2: We were always pushed aside weren’t we?
Stepsister 1: What happens to us, sister?
Stepsister 2: They don’t know. I don’t know.
Both: Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody knows
End.
